


Don't miss me.

by graceisintodrummers



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Brotherly Love, Depression, I am still not over it, M/M, On the Road Again, Tour, Zayn leaving, because they are married, dealing with this, i don't know what this is, side larry - Freeform, sorry - Freeform, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2015-06-21
Packaged: 2018-04-03 14:51:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4104925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graceisintodrummers/pseuds/graceisintodrummers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn made a decision.<br/>Louis is the king of sass.<br/>Harry wears a lot of glittery boots.<br/>Niall loves sports.<br/>Liam has never been better.</p>
<p>But that's only half of the truth.</p>
<p>Another side of the story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't miss me.

**Author's Note:**

> Everyone still misses Zayn.  
> And when I miss someone, I tend to write.  
> So here's to Zayn. I totally protect you to all costs. I'm standing with everything you decide what's best for you.  
> But here's to Louis too and to Harry, to Niall. My almighty boys, I know you do everything for us I know you give us your best and I've never been more thankful or more proud.  
> And most of all here's to Liam. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to miss him. You'll be okay. We're with you.
> 
>  
> 
> And of course, here's to all of you!  
> Let's stand together.
> 
> All the love!
> 
> This is a work of fiction and just my way of dealing with stuff. I don't own anything. All mistakes are mine.

“Don't miss me.” Zayn whispers as he hides his face in Liam's neck. “Move on and live your dream.” The other three are close, everyone wants to touch Zayn, feel him one last time. But his voice is so low, only Liam can hear him.

“Don't miss me.” The older boy repeats. Liam just closes his eyes. He breathes Zayn in.

How can this be goodbye? How...this can't be...it. And it isn't. Zayn is still their friend. Their brother. Nothing can ever change that. Not all the miles that will be between them soon. Not the different lives they are going to live from now on. Zayn will always, always be a part of them. And still, he is here in Liam's arms saying he shouldn't miss him. Mustn't miss him. How does Zayn think this could possibly work. Like seriously? Liam already misses him when they have a two days break. And now, for the first time in five years, he should go month without seeing him. He can't. He just can't.

 

“I'm sorry.” He whispers and pushes Zayn away softly. “Sorry.” Again.

And then he leaves. He makes a few step backwards still looking at the boys in front of him, who seem so lost and small, before he turns around and walks away. After a few meters he starts to run. He runs as fast as his feet allow him, storms through their hotel in Hong Kong and he keeps running until he reaches Bus 2 (not Bus 1 for so many reasons, but mostly because it is Zayn's somehow) and closes the door behind him. He breaks down on the floor crying.

 

It's Louis who finds him and his eyes are red and puffy as if he'd cried too. He sits down beside Liam on the floor and takes his hand. “We're going to get through this, Leeyum.” He whispers in his softest voice. “We're going to be okay.”

And the younger boy nods, even though he doesn't believe any of it. He will never be okay without Zayn. How could he?

 

He has 21 missed calls and 48 unread messages from Zayn when he finally picks up his phone and tries to call him back. It goes straight to voice mail and that's when Liam remembers. Zayn is on the plane now on his way home. And he won't come back

 

Niall crawls into the bed with him that night and he holds Liam for hours. The older boy can't sleep. He can't find any rest and Niall falls asleep eventually. So Liam is left with his thoughts. The sun is already up when he can't hold his eyes open any longer.

 

He sleeps for 10 hours straight until Harry wakes him up carefully by stroking his hair. Liam has never felt so exhausted, he just wants to hide in bed and never get up again.

“Zayn called.” Harry says. “Like 50 times.” Liam nods, not able to say anything. “You think you can call him back?” Liam nods again. “Tomorrow”, he says.

 

It actually takes him three days to pick up his phone. It's after their show in Manila, their first without Zayn. It felt strange. Not being with him, but telling the fans he'd be back soon. He wouldn't. So Liam calls him, hiding in Bus 2 again. Zayn picks up immediately.

“Liam. Hi. You...Hi.”

Liam's heart breaks as he hears his voice and the tears are back an he can't answer.

“Li?” Zayn's voice sounds concerned. “Jaan, say something.”

 

“How could I not?” Liam asks between the tears. “What?”

“Not miss you? Is there some way? Because I'm failing miserable. So tell me how you do it?” He can literally hear Zayn thinking at the other end of the line. “I...Liam. It's not like that. I miss you too. I just want you to be okay, that's all.” Liam laughs sarcastically. “I won't ever be okay Zayn”, he snaps. “Not without you.” He adds a little quieter, softer, before his voice breaks completely. He covers his mouth with his hand, so Zayn won't hear him crying. But he notices anyway. He knows Liam all too well.

“Don't cry. Please Jaan. Don't.” Liam just hangs up. He turns off his phone and hides under the blanket and he lets himself cry as much as he needs to. Eventually he falls asleep.

 

“Liam. Li, mate, where are you?” Louis' concerned voice wakes him up two hours later. The older boy heads straight for Liam's bunk. “Damn Li. Here you are.” He pushes him over softly they can both fit in the bunk. “We were worried sick man.”

Louis doesn't try to touch Liam because he knows Liam will flinch at every little thing right now. “Zayn called Haz and told him you two were talking. And that you just hung up on him.” Louis waits a minute but Liam doesn't react so he continues. “What happened? Why did you turn your phone off? Please, baby, you have to talk to me. I want to help you. It's just hard, when you don't talk.” He scoots a little closer. “But if you can't talk right now, we can still lay here? Wait until tomorrow before we figure things out. Okay?” Liam nods barely noticeable but of course Louis sees it. “So can I touch you? Can you...can you take me in your arms?” Liam still doesn't answer but he turns around and pulls Louis close. He tries not to cry, but he can't stop thinking that this feels like the end.

 

It isn't the end. The four of them are back on their feet soon. They've talked about it several nights and after hours of talking they agreed that they wanted to stay. Stay together. Liam is more than happy about it and he welcomes the amount of work with open arms because right now he needs all the distraction he can get. He stays in the studio rooms longer than the other boys practising Zayn's solos perfectly until he can hit every note in his sleep but it still doesn't sound right.

Louis jokes about it, saying X-Factor Liam is back. He is also trying to get him to go out, but Liam just doesn't want to. He wants to work and sing and sleep and maybe a hug from Niall now and then.

Well, what he really wants is Zayn back but that won't happen any time soon. So he tries not to think about it that much.

He writes a lot too. He sleeps in Bus 2, because he just can't stand his lonely hotel room and when he is alone at night and he misses Zayn, he writes. It helps. A little at least.

 

The leg of the tour is over in the blink of an eye. The fans are still sad about Zayn leaving but they are also really supportive. Niall and Harry are mostly sad too and Louis is angry at everyone these days. Liam just feels numb.

 

He doesn't feel anything any more. He smiles for photos and fans, he smiles for the boys and he nods when Harry asks him if he is doing alright. He pulls Niall in a hug when the younger boy is sad, he listen to everything Harry needs to talk about and he calms Louis down. Or he tries to. But he can't feel anything. He doesn't even miss Zayn.

 

He is more than happy to come home for a while. It's just for a few nights but his mums makes him dinners and he watches sport with his dad and he manages to forget about his life for a moment. At night he dreams about Zayn and it hurts like hell but it is good. He likes the pain. He can feel again.

He hasn't called Zayn since that time he hung up on him. Zayn tried a few times. And then he just texted him. But even this has stopped now. Maybe Zayn is giving him space. But maybe he is just busy not missing him.

 

Liam meets Louis the next week to write for the new album. It's good to see him and he seems more relaxed then last time. He doesn't want to talk about Zayn though but neither does Liam. They don't talk about any of the problems their band have. Instead they focus on the music, the lyrics, the instruments, the voices, the writing. Well that's it until Liam shows Louis a song he's written back home.

 

 

_You never gave me the chance_

_to fight for you to stay_

_because I would have known how to dance_

_I would have known what to say_

 

_You know if you would have let me fight_

_I would have found a way_

_to hold your hand all night_

_until it it felt like it's okay_

 

_But instead you left without a clue_

_last thing you said was not to miss you_

_so when you called me I said_

_I'd never been better instead_

_of telling you the truth_

_and I've never been better_

_at lying to you_

 

_You never asked how I feel_

_You just decided what was best for me_

_every night without you still doesn't seem real_

_but you insist I need to be free_

 

_I should have tried harder maybe_

_but I am running against a wall_

_How could you leave me baby?_

_I feel like I'm the first to fall_

 

 

_Not missing you_

_is the hardest thing I've ever had to do_

_But I've never been better_

_at writing you letters_

_I've never been better_

_at ignoring your calls_

_and al these days_

_I've been rehearsing_

_to say I've never been better_

_don't miss you at all._

 

 

Liam looks up from the keys and his brown eyes meet Louis' blue ones. He's not sure how too read the look in them.

“Are you going to say anything, Tommo? Was is that bad?” Liam tries to joke. “I know I still need to work on it, it's just a beginning but,...”

The older boy stops him by shaking his head “It's beautiful Li, it's just...” He breathes in deeply. “Man, I'm sorry.” He steps forward and raps Liam into a hug. “I knew this was hard for you, but this...I'm so sorry.” Liam wants to say that none of this is Louis' fault and that he shouldn't be apologizing for anything but he can't speak. So he just hopes Louis knows.

 

The very last night before their next concert in Cardiff they are called in a room together to talk about things. None of the four has a clue what this is about, but all of them literally stop breathing as they see who is waiting for them.

 

“Paul?” Harry has his voice back first and then he goes in and hugs their former tourmanager tightly. Louis follows right after. “What are you doing here?” Liam's thoughts go crazy. What can this possibly mean?

  
“I'm not here to stay.” Paul clears up first thing and he avoids their diassapionted looks. “Just really wanted to talk you through this myself.” He takes a deep breaths. “You know, Zayn is...”

Liam cuts him off, before he can even start to say something. “What's with Zayn? Is he hurt? Is he...oh my god.” But Paul takes him into his arms and rubs his back. “No, no. Nothing like this. Zayn's fine. As fine as he can be right now.” And what is that supposed to mean?

“Let's sit down boys, okay?”

 

They do, all eyes still on Paul and Niall grabs Liam's hand. I'm right here, he's saying without words. But Liam understands him all the same. “I know it has been a shock for you. It took you by surprise. Me not so much. Zayn has talked a lot to me, even after I left. We've been in contact pretty much all the time. And I know some things you don't, things Zayn was never able to tell you. Maybe you've noticed, maybe you've guessed. I don't know. But we agreed, that you should know, and yes, it's a little late. But it's important for you to understand why he left.”

Paul looks at directly at Liam now. He is not sure if he's ready to hear it.”

 

“Zayn has been suffering from depression for a while now. It's something that happens, and I'm sure he's going to be okay. He needed to step out of this for a while. It has nothing to do with you and it's important that you know, there is nothing that you could've done...”

 

Liam doesn't hear anything after that. He just stares at Paul's lips. They are definitely moving but the words don't reach his ears. Niall tightens his grip and it makes Liam turn away from Paul to look as his friends. Harry has buried his face in Louis' shoulder but the older boy follows Paul's words carefully, running his finger over his boyfriend's palms and he nods from time to time, lips pressed together. Niall looks at his knees and the tears are falling down from his cheeks. Liam feels sick. He wants to scream but he is not even sure if he's able to ever speak again. His vision becomes blurry then.

 

It's Louis who tucks him in and leads him into another hotel room, (His own? Or Niall's? Maybe it's Louis' and Harry's he thinks), because he cannot walk on his own. And it's Harry who puts a blanket over him and kisses his forehead. It's Niall who crawls under his blanket eventually and then everything goes black.

 

Liam wakes up early the next morning. The word depression is repeating in his head over and over again and he cannot turn it off. He looks at his phone. No missed calls. Carefully, not to wake Niall, he gets out of bed and begins to throw clothes in his suitcase. (Must have been his room Louis brought him to last night.) He doesn't care about the show tonight. And for ones he doesn't care about the fans or the boys or the band. The only thing he can care about is Zayn. He's filling his heart and taking all the space in his head and he cannot think straight any more. He has to see him.

 

“What are you doing mate?” Louis is behind him without a warning making Liam jump. “I'll go and see him.” He's surprised how steady his voice sounds. “Liam, please, that's bullshit.” Louis' voice is soft. “You can't leave, we have a show tonight.”

  
“I don't care.” It's the truth, he did never think he would say these words. But he does and he means it. “I know.” Louis swallows. “I know, you want to see him and you can. Just not today. You think you can wait until tomorrow. We're in London and as far as I'm concerned Zayn is too.” Louis looks at him. “Please. Don't rush. Wait till tomorrow.” Louis' eyes are darker than usually. It's almost the blue of an early night sky. And Liam gives in. He collapses in Louis' arms and holds on to him for the rest of the day.

 

The concert is painful but it's kind of healing. Liam let's himself feel everything. And it's good to sing again. So good. He even manages to smile for his fans and he is playful on stage.

Afterwards he breaks down crying in Louis arms again.

 

He stands in front of Zayn's apartment at 8 in the morning the next day. His hands are shaking as he rings the doorbell. But nobody opens. He tries to call Zayn then and everyone he knows around London who knows Zayn too. Without success. He calls Louis then who picks him up only 10 minutes later. “I am sorry mate. I was sure, he is here. Paul said he'd be here. I am sorry.” Liam shrugs it off. “It's fine. He probably doesn't want to see me at all.”

 

He manages to be happy for the Summerball and for the concert. Everyone is buying it. But he cries himself asleep again. The word depression is still running through his mind an he can't stop it.

 

Louis wakes him up at 3 am. He sits down on the bed and plays with his hands. “I...just...sorry, I shouldn't have come to you.” His voice is weak and it hurts Liam more than he would have thought. “Hey. Hey.” He captures the tiny boy in his arms. “It's okay, I'm here for you, what is it?”

“I just...we should have noticed. I am asking myself over and over again. How could we not see it? I mean, there would have been a way to help him right? I feel so stupid, don't you?” He looks at Liam with the most apologetic look.” God Li, I'm sorry.”

“I should have known Louis. I was closer to him than all of you. But I kept pushing him away, just because he didn't love me back. Because I was stupidly heartbroken and childish. I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most all over some stupid one-sided crush I have. So how do you think I feel Lou? What do you think.” His voice is louder than he intended it to be. “I just...I hate myself right now.” His fingers trace the tattoo on his forearm, his arrows, each for another of his boys.

“He does though.” Louis whispers, so softly that Liam can hardly hear. “He loves you back. Always has.” Liam just stares at him. “What?”

“Haz told me yesterday. We...we talked about him and you and...he never told me Li. I didn't knew. He didn't tell anyone but apparently he wrote Harry yesterday. That he is sorry, that he needs space, that he loves you but it hurts so much.” Liam isn't sure he understands what Louis is saying. “But he has Perrie, and the wedding and....” He loses track. “And you have Sophia right? You love her too, don't you?” Liam nods because yes, he loves that girl. But not like that.

“It's different?” He says, but it sounds more like a question. “What am I supposed to do now?”  
“Give him the space he needs. Figure out what you really want. You are both hurt enough. So don't do anything, you are not sure about.”

 

Liam reads a lot about depression the next few days. A lot of sleeping, not wanting to get up as well as falling asleep any and everywhere are apparently major signs for depression.

He could have known. He should have known. He of all people. He had always been closest to Zayn. They relied on each other, always been there, no matter what.

Liam thought that Zayn had let him down by leaving. But with every sentence he reads it becomes more and more obvious. He was the one who failed Zayn. He didn't save him when he was the only one who could have.

 

It's too late now. He keeps telling himself. He doesn't deserve Zayn's love, even if it's true, even if Zayn does love him. He doesn't deserve it.

 

He breaks up with Sophia a week later between two of there concerts. She cries. He cries too. He holds her in his arms and tries to explain everything to her. He owes her that much.

In the end he is not sure if he understands but she tries. She is more understanding than he deserves.

She leaves with a kiss goodbye pressed to his temple and he spends another night crying himself to sleep. It's becoming a habit.

 

“You did what?” Niall looks at him as if he's completely insane. “She deserves better.” Liam warrants himself. “She deserves someone who can love her with all his heart. And that's not gonna be me.” Niall nods, you can nearly hear his brain working. “And that's because you are in love with someone else.”  
“I am.” Liam states, not able too look up. “It's Zayn, isn't it?” Liam can't even say anything. He tastes the salt on his lips and notices he is crying.

Niall wraps him into a hug. “For how long?” he asks. “From the start.”

 

He gets a message from Zayn three days later.  
“I'm doing okay. Just need some time to get better. Sorry for leaving you. I promise it is just temporary. Try to be happy until I'm back. Love, yours Zayn.”

Liam cries the whole day.

 

Before their show in Oslo the four of them sit down together and talk. They talk everything through.

Niall holds Liam's hand the whole time and it is so good to have him.

“You know, I've been really angry at Zayn at first. Then I've been angry at myself for not noticing what he's been through. Now...I don't know I'm just still really angry. It bothers me that I can't change anything about the situation.” Louis wipes his eyes with the back of eyes before he continues. “Sorry...I just...Let's try to give Zayn the space he needs. And while he figures out what he wants, we'll do the same. We owe him that much.”

Harry kisses Louis fiercely and Liam just gives him his most genuine smile. He is so lucky with this boys.

 

Louis does his best to cheer Liam up now and he actually isn't doing that bad. Water fights on stage always get him. And it's always been like that. He can forget his sorrows only when on stage.

It's harder to forget Zayn of course though. They used to sing You & I to each other. The song is the hardest. The hardest to sing without starting to cry immediately. He still makes it through most of the shows somehow. But he can't bring himself to look at the crowd during this song.

Still, he is the happiest being on stage.

 

It's a different thing when he is alone in his room at night. He has stopped crying himself to sleep but instead he doesn't really sleep at all. Except for the times Niall crawls into his bed seeking comfort.

 

 

It's at the end of July somewhere in America and it's way too hot to do anything. They have a day off between two shows and all Liam wants to do is sleep. But he wakes up to a call from Harry who is asking him to come over immediately. He doesn't say why and Liam doesn't ask. He knows the younger boy so well he can tell from his voice it's something serious.

 

Niall opens the door which confuses Liam just a little. Just the look on his face is strange.  
“I didn't know.” He whispers as Liam passes by him.

 

He stops as he sees who is sitting on the bed. He feels like he can't breath and he wants to turn around and leave but Niall is blocking the way.

“Liam.” His voice is still the same, but he looks different. His hair is still short, like he's seen it on photos but not that short. He wears one of his Tanktops. Liam recognises it, he stole it during their last tour, because he never packs.

 

Liam can't speak, can't even move, so he just stands there as Zayn stands up and steps closer. “Hi. I missed you.” He wants to hug Liam, but the younger boy flinches at the touch. “No.” He says. It is louder than he thought it would be. “W...What?” Zayn looks hurt. He seeks Louis for help.

“You can't just tell me you miss me Zayn.”

 

“But...” Zayn doesn't try to touch him again. He just stands there, looking at Liam and his eyes are dark like a night of new moon.  
“Not when I was not allowed to do so.” Liam explains. And with that he leaves, like he did in Hong Kong. It feels like it has been years ago since Zayn told them. He runs again, runs until he is out of breath. He has no idea where to go, so he just sits down where he stands, in one of the endless halls of the hotel.  
  


It's Zayn who finds him this time. “Can we talk?” The older boy asks. His voice is weak. Liam nods. “Not here.” He says and stands up to lead Zayn to his room. They sit down on the balcony breathing in the warm summer air. For a while, they just enjoy each others company in silence. Liam speaks up first.

“I'm sorry Zayn. It's just...it's so hard.” Zayn looks at him. “I know, I know Liam. You can be sure I am aware of everything I put you through and I am genuinely sorry.” He reaches for Liam's hand but stops in the last second, not sure if Liam is okay with being touch. The younger boy nods slightly so let him no it's fine and Zayn comes closer. “I meant it Liam. I needed to leave but that doesn't mean I didn't miss you every second of everyday.” Liam nods again. “I missed you too. Couldn't help it. I tried Z., I tried, but I am lost without you.” He swallows his tears and looks at Zayn. He really looks different, but Liam can't really say why. Maybe because the bags under his eyes got smaller and he is not that pale any more. He looks a lot healthier. “How are you?” Liam asks as he intertwines their fingers completely. “Better.” Zayn smiles. “Much better now than I'm with you again.”

 

Liam can't hold back his tears any more. They fall down his face and land on Zayn's hand. The older boy puts a finger under Liam's chin and make him look up. He kisses away the tears. First the ones on his cheeks and the the ones in the corner of his lips. “I love you Liam.” Zayn whispers. “I love you so much.” Liam's heart beats against his chest as he feels Zayn's lips on his. The kiss is a wet and salty, soft and careful. It's much different then the few times they kissed before.

It's more real. “I love you with all my heart and if you let me, I will never leave your side ever again.” Liam doesn't know what to answer, so he kisses Zayn again. But then he breaks the kiss and looks into his beautiful brown eyes again.

 

“Does this mean you are back? In the band? For good?” Zayn shakes his head. “I can't say that yet. I am here for you Liam, we need to figure out us first.” He kisses the tip of the younger boy's nose. “Okay?” And Liam nods because he'll do whatever Zayn wants. “I...” He swallows. “Can we talk about you...about your depression.” Zayn's eyes turn even darker, but he smiles.”

“Yes Jaan. We will talk about it.”

 

“I'm sorry I didn't notice, I am such a bad friend.” The tears are back and Liam's voice cracks. Zayn let's him bury his face in his shoulder and god, he missed him so much. “I am so sorry.” He breathes him in.

 

“I need you to understand that you couldn't have helped me even if you'd notice. This is complicated. But I promise you, I'll talk you and the boy through everything you need to know. Okay?” Liam's lips are pressed against the fabric of Zayn's, his, shirt. “Yes”, he mumbles.  
“But there is something I need to know too.” Zayn pushes Liam away a little bit, just far enough for them to look at each other. “Do you want me too stay?”

 

Liam looks at him for a moment. His eyebrows are raised and his lips are parted a little. “That might be the stupidest question you've ever asked Zayn Malik.” Liam teases a little and he can see Zayn's lips spreading to a smile before he leans in to kiss him hard. “Don't leave me again.”

Zayn digs his fingers into Liam's blue sweater. “Never.”

 

“I love you too Zayn.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry??
> 
> I love you all for reading.  
> Hope you are fine.
> 
> All the love!


End file.
